Action Movie Saturday Night!!!

Saturdays are strictly devoted to over-the-top action movies in the Carvalho home. So instead of watching Die Hard for the gazillionth time, my brother and I opted to go watch the new Jason Statham flick, Crank: High Voltage.

The movie was awesome. It was beyond awesome. There was no plot or any character development-- it was just gratuitous amounts of action.

But what made the movie such an experience was what happened outside of the movie.

It all started with my brother and I walking to the theater. As we're waiting for cars to pass so that we can cross the street, a lifted truck passes and the passenger is sticking his little head out and screaming bloody murder at my brother. The guy just shouts, calling my brother out and saying how he's going to mess us up, but in much more colorful language.

Not quite what I meant by "colorful language."

As soon as we get into the mall I ask my brother if he knew the guy.

"Who?" he asks.

"The guy that was calling you out because you were staring him down," I tell him.

Turns out that my brother was spazzing out the whole time we were crossing the street. He was totally oblivious to the guy calling him out. It was just our dumb luck that the same direction that my brother was staring off into nothing was also the same direction of this guy. For the rest of the evening I was constantly checking over my shoulder for the guy.

So we finally make it to the movie. Everything is going good. It finally gets to the climax of the film and I can hear screaming behind me.

My initial thought is, wow, the surround sound here is amazing. But it turns out that it isn't surround sound. An actual fight broke out in the seats behind me. Some lady is amping out on some guy. As the violence in the movie escalates, so does this lady. It was pretty crazy having an actual fight behind you while you got the sounds of heavy metal, gunshots, and shouting in the background.

Prince Kuhio Stadium Cinemas surround sound

Now, Crank: High Voltage is definitely not the greatest action movie ever. However, this was one of the few movies were I felt I got the FULL cinematic experience.

We were just discussing the Ideal-Gas Law...

This was no pV=nRT.

Physics class had just started and I had leaned over to get my textbook out of my bag. Just as I reached into my bag I felt the rumblings of a fart coming on. No big deal I had thought to myself, I can just let this one pass silently.

However, instead of the quiet whisper of passing gas, a thunderous roar was unleashed. Even after it was done, I could still feel it reverberating off of the classroom walls.

This was what I was aiming for...

...But I got this instead

The professor was stunned, only his shiny gray ponytail moved for those few moments. A few of the students turned their heads. There was only silence. I sat as still as possible.

Within a minute, life began to return to the classroom. The professor returned to his lecture and everyone else went back to writing their notes or texting. That was when the smell settled in.

For a second time the professor paused the lecture. He just stood silently in front of the class, as if he had lost his train of thought. Soon enough the smell had diffused through the entire classroom and everyone knew what was going on. I looked around and tried to act as if I too had no clue as to where the smell was coming from.

This is what happened when the smell settled in.

Soon enough the smell faded away and we returned to discussing pressure-volume diagrams and the ideal-gas law.

What surprises me is how no one said anything, there were no laughs or any outcries of disgust. There was just a silence that hovered over the classroom.

I haven't been this embarrassed by a fart since elementary school.

The Fag Raptor Rides Again

June 28th, 2009 will be my first ever half-marathon.

The goal has always been to become a marathon runner, this half-marathon feels like I'm actually making progress towards my goal.

I really need to do something about my wrists.

Cat AIDS

Last week my uncle took his cat into the veterinarian's because it has been very sickly. The vet's first impression of what was ailing my uncle's cat? Cat AIDS.

According to my uncle's veterinarian, there is an epidemic of cat AIDS going around the Big Island.

Seriously?

Were all the cats on the Big Island sharing needles and having unprotected sex? Well, technically, yes all of the feral cats were going around and having sex and that is how it has been spreading. To the best of my knowledge, cats haven't gotten around to using condoms yet.

Claws: makes opening condoms a bitch and one of the main causes of unprotected cat sex.

When my uncle told me about Larry's (the cat) visit to the vet and what the vet was concerned about, I couldn't help but laugh.

I started to imagine how Larry could have possibly aquired AIDS. I pictured Larry has a slick Wall Street business cat during the 80's, experimenting with heroin and other drugs. After wall street took a dive in '88, Larry was out on the street and forced to maintain his habit by becoming a gay prostitute in Los Angeles. After many years of this kind of lifestyle, Larry eventually found God in a soup kitchen, became born-again, and eventually settled in my uncle's family. And now, after all these years, the sins of his past has finally come back to haunt poor Larry.

After imagining this, I also began to imagine cat AIDS on a much more global scale. I began to picture the cat AIDS epidimic in Africa, gay cats finding out that their life partner is infected, sex education in cat middle school. At that point I shook my head and realized my imagination was getting out of hand.

And then my uncle mentioned that his vet is also worried that Larry might instead be suffering from cat Leukemia.

Chemotherapy sucks.